Rebooting my life...

So this is my fourth attempt to compose a new entry. This ancient brick of a laptop rebooted thrice while I was writing, and I'm thinking about sending it in for repair. (Before, I was thinking about getting one of those new Apple laptops, but every time I had that thought the computer would reboot again. Shhhh...)

What would it be like if I didn't have a computer at my house for a series of days? How would my life change? It is interesting to think about. I'm getting to the point where I hardly find anything interesting to read online - news just outrages me, and I can't read for pleasure online... I must have that tactile sense of a book in my hands. Maybe it's time to go on a computer fast... maybe I'd actually develop something of an attention span. Maybe I'd start writing in my paper journal again. Imagine that...

Anyway, to the point of the original entry: my life has changed subtly but sort of dramatically since coming back from New York and going on days. I was musing about the difference between wanting and having, and how that energy changes my focus. I feel like I have been spending a huge amount of time and attention over the years seeking a relationship that doesn't leave me wanting more, a job that actually pays money, something to do in the evenings. A decade on a rock makes even sleepy San Diego seem like a wonderland, I'm not making a ton of money but my expenses are low enough that I can enjoy myself on my income and, well... D is everything I have ever wanted in a woman and more.

So now I am reflecting on how to ground that seeking energy in my life. Certainly, I want to deepen my relationship, progress in my career and broaden my interests, so I think there's always going to be some expansive dynamic in my life. At the same time, there's a certain abiding energy that I would like to develop: just being with things as they are. I get to a place of utter contentment when I'm with D, for example, that i think comes from complete absorption in the moment. I would like to expand that into other areas of my life.

And, as always, the answer comes down to more meditation, more practice, more making it real and not just lip service to an ideal. Which makes me think of the paradox of practice: effort without striving for a goal. I think that may be part of what I am groping around for here... that the dynamic I am talking about fostering in my life is just that kind of deepening, intensifying energy, but in a settled way, not looking for external stimulation to bring me satisfaction.

Hmm.

Anyway, I have to fix this damn computer.