15 January 2006

Rebooting my life...

So this is my fourth attempt to compose a new entry. This ancient brick of a laptop rebooted thrice while I was writing, and I'm thinking about sending it in for repair. (Before, I was thinking about getting one of those new Apple laptops, but every time I had that thought the computer would reboot again. Shhhh...)

What would it be like if I didn't have a computer at my house for a series of days? How would my life change? It is interesting to think about. I'm getting to the point where I hardly find anything interesting to read online - news just outrages me, and I can't read for pleasure online... I must have that tactile sense of a book in my hands. Maybe it's time to go on a computer fast... maybe I'd actually develop something of an attention span. Maybe I'd start writing in my paper journal again. Imagine that...

Anyway, to the point of the original entry: my life has changed subtly but sort of dramatically since coming back from New York and going on days. I was musing about the difference between wanting and having, and how that energy changes my focus. I feel like I have been spending a huge amount of time and attention over the years seeking a relationship that doesn't leave me wanting more, a job that actually pays money, something to do in the evenings. A decade on a rock makes even sleepy San Diego seem like a wonderland, I'm not making a ton of money but my expenses are low enough that I can enjoy myself on my income and, well... D is everything I have ever wanted in a woman and more.

So now I am reflecting on how to ground that seeking energy in my life. Certainly, I want to deepen my relationship, progress in my career and broaden my interests, so I think there's always going to be some expansive dynamic in my life. At the same time, there's a certain abiding energy that I would like to develop: just being with things as they are. I get to a place of utter contentment when I'm with D, for example, that i think comes from complete absorption in the moment. I would like to expand that into other areas of my life.

And, as always, the answer comes down to more meditation, more practice, more making it real and not just lip service to an ideal. Which makes me think of the paradox of practice: effort without striving for a goal. I think that may be part of what I am groping around for here... that the dynamic I am talking about fostering in my life is just that kind of deepening, intensifying energy, but in a settled way, not looking for external stimulation to bring me satisfaction.


Anyway, I have to fix this damn computer.

14 January 2006

This is how freedom dies...

Bush has taken total power. And Americans are paying attention to - what? - Brad and Angelina's baby. Don't cross this president, or he might crush your child's testicles.

Goddess help me. Fuck this country.

Okay, I promise I'll write something more personal and meaningful soon. Rrrrrrrrr... I'm freakin'.

07 January 2006

My life, rated...

This is dorky, but at least I got a good score:

This Is My Life, Rated
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Last night shift!

I'm finally finished with the 10pm - 6am shift from fucking hell! The work has been really easy, and I have made good money... however it's been pretty hard on my body and my personal life. Night shift just sucks no matter how you slice it.

At the beginning I bullshitted myself that I was going to do all these things during this rotation -- write more, study Italian -- but it mostly didn't happen. I mean, I wrote in my blog a fair amount, and I spent some time studying D's Italian book, but for the most part the last three months have been a haze. I looked in my regular journal the other day and I saw I didn't write in it since right after D and I got back together... back in September.

I am really looking forward to day shift though, and I have reasonable expectations I think. I am starting to get my old workout routine back, and all I am talking about doing is ratcheting the intensity up and meditating regularly. And getting back into sailing and learning salsa and doing yoga. And getting as much overtime as I can. And spending more time with Denise.

Yeah, totally reasonable...

06 January 2006

Coastal elitists...

Denise and I spent New Year's in New York (for those of you who have not heard me brag on this endlessly for the past week). Yesterday I was telling her how I sort of felt at home in NYC, at least in Manhattan, because I felt like I could relate to a lot of the people. Culturally, it seems to me, New York and California are more alike than they are different.

She expressed some feelings about having a night off and there not really being that much to do other than things she always did. We started talking about how limited San Diego is, though we both really love it here and kind of feel we should appreciate it more. But a few days riding Manhattan subways clued us in to how fragmented we are in California: everyone's in their cars, and you go from Point A to Point B, not walking through neighborhoods as we did there. We heard so many different languages in New York, and there were a few neither of us could identify. In San Diego, whites and Latinos barely interact, and you hardly ever see any other minorities. They're out there, but we don't mix very much.

Then, I got her to talk a little about Oklahoma, and in many ways she made it sound like New Jersey. Some of the same things that drove me out of my "homeland" caused D to flee OK: the narrowness of the people, the seeming lack of interest in anything outside their own little worlds, the bitterness and the intolerant gossipyness. I opined that the reason so many people in what I (humorously) refer to as "flyover country" have serious aggression issues just goes back to a lack of love, whether through getting stuck in loveless relationships because of children, or just the inability ot meet the right person in a small community. Denise said she thought it had more to do with people unable to see beyond their limits, and unable or unwilling to seek out their dreams. I think she has a point, but in a certain sense I think we're describing the same dynamic from different perspectives.

Anyway, I'm trying to do less political stuff and actually write down things I feel. For once, it seems, what I'm feeling doesn't directly involve my private life with D and so seems fair game for this page.

I'd genuinely love to read some comments on what seems like a highly condescending elitist conversation. I mean, I know I'm painting with a broad brush here, but I wouldn't have spoken or wirtten in as much detail as I have if I didn't think the ideas had some merit. Just trying to gain some perspective.